YMG Guest Blog - Resolving family disputes remotely

At a time when you feel that normal life is on hold, yet your personal circumstances are in free fall, mediation can allow you and your ex-partner or spouse to take positive steps towards resolving the differences between you.  Mediation can now be done remotely using telephone or video conferencing like Zoom, Facetime, WhatsApp, or Teams.

Following the ending of a relationship the issues that most people want to talk about at mediation are deciding on the best arrangements for children and resolving financial matters.  Both of these issues can be very difficult to tackle successfully.  It is not easy, at the best of times, to discuss difficult personal issues with an ex-partner or spouse.  Against the background of a pandemic, the issues between you may seem insurmountable. 

It may be that you are both still living in the same accommodation and although you have come to realise that your relationship is over, neither of you is able to arrange for separate accommodation.  You are not able to communicate without fighting and you feel things are becoming more difficult.  On the other hand, you may be living in two separate households, but because of current Government guidance you were unable to meet to discuss matters. 

You may have children and, although Government guidance does provide that children under 18 can move between two households, it may be that a member of one of the households has an underlying health condition which means that it is not possible for the children to move between the two homes.  The parent with care of the children may be feeling over-burdened and emotionally exhausted.  At the same time, the parent having no direct contact with the children may be feeling anxious and even resentful of the other parent.  Children may be upset and fractious because they are not having contact with both of their parents and are also missing their usual routine of attending school and socialising with friends.

Even against these potentially, highly fraught backgrounds, mediation can play a role in allowing effective communication and so help achieve resolution.

Through mediation it is possible to prioritise what needs to be tackled now in order to ease immediate tensions and to separate out longer term goals.  It is possible to explore options and identify what might work best in particular circumstances.  Being able to establish ground rules about current living arrangements may be the first step towards a platform for achieving a way to live separately successfully.

Mediation usually takes place by way of face to face meetings but can also take place successfully by telephone or video calls.  Just as in face to face sessions, it is essential that the mediator takes account of the importance of timing.  Practical matters like avoiding mealtimes and bedtimes as well as identifying better times when children are engaged in an activity or after they are asleep in bed.  In many ways remote mediation allows greater flexibility as participants more easily engage in late evening or early morning sessions.  Remote mediation also allows sessions to take place at home and without the time and expense involved in travelling to an office or mediation session.

For remote mediation to have the best chance of success it has to start on time, be in a quiet location and it is essential that any documents that might be referred to have been shared in advance.  It is important to ensure that parties feel comfortable.  At the conclusion, future actions need to be clearly identified.  In certain situations, it is helpful for a summary of what’s been covered to be provided.  Above all, a skilled mediator will ensure that both parties have had an opportunity to speak and be listened to.  With remote mediation this can happen just as easily whether parties are in distant locations or in the same room.

Susan Oswald, Partner at SKO Family Law Specialists, Accredited Mediator and Child Law Specialist